Shut Up and Go To Sleep!

Ladies, drop what ever you’re doing and go to sleep. According to Mizzzz Arianna Huffington that is the answer to all our womanly problems.

Her royal Redhairness has come up with a Sleep Challenge guaranteed to eliminate chauvinism and misogyny, and to put us well on our way to world domination. All you have to do is get a couple of more hours of sleep tonight.

You see, apparently “… the next feminist issue is sleep. And in order for women to get ahead …. we’re all going to have to lie down and take a nap”. Personally I believe that the next feminist issue is to actually be a feminist, and not to pussyfoot around the issue, sugarcoating and diluting it into an “acceptable” concept. A part of me is glad Mary Daly passed away a day before this post went up. Although, she’s probably stomping her feet up in feminist heaven anyway.  

Forget about Taking Back the Night, Arianna’s message is far more powerful and empowering: “We’re saying no to the zombie side of things and, as of January 4, resolving to get a full night’s sleep every night for a month”. Because “Rob yourself of sleep, ladies, and you’ll find you never function at your personal best” (Ha! If only Arianna shared this wisdom with the makers of “Personal Best”); and I will be remiss not to include this quote: “A nation of sleepy women is even less capable of greatness”. This is the stuff D grade ghost written autobiographies are made of.

Make no mistake, Arianna (and her lover gal pal Cindi) are putting their heads where their mouths are: “Cindi’s going for seven and a half hours … Arianna’s choosing eight”. Of course they are falling short behind Queen Elizabeth who’s been averaging ten hours a night for years. It has done wonders for her.

These pearls of wisdom are based on extensive empirical studies. For instance, did you know that “Even Bill Clinton, who used to famously get only five hours of sleep, later admitted, ‘Every important mistake I’ve made in my life, I’ve made because I was too tired’”. Oh, I get it! If only he had slept properly, there would be no DOMA and DADT, not to mention that unfortunate incident involving a cigar, a dress, some sperm and a 22 year old intern.

Don’t get me wrong, sleep is important, but this notion is neither feminist nor innovative. It’s as old as Oprah’s talk show. In fact, I’m pretty sure Oprah made a show (or five) about the exact same subject. Come to think of it, perhaps Arianna is gearing up to be the next (white) Oprah post 2011.

Inspired by the redundancy of Arianna’s challenge, I’ve come up with a few more of my own: Round the Wheel, Square the Box and Overhead the Roof. And these are just of the top of my head. Imagine what I could accomplish after a good night sleep.       

And to think it might all have started on The L Word.

Have a good night, and if you’re lucky that means the recommended eight hours will include more than just sleep.